The biggest change I've had so far during the recovery.

  Lately, my emotional sensitivity has been higher more than ever in the past decade. It might sound bad,but it's actually a positive change. It feels like the range of emotions I can feel is way wider than it used to be. 

 Since like 9 years ago, I'd rarely felt any emotions except for strong, extreme ones. Videos that are meant to be funny never entertained me. In fact, they usually disturbed me because they felt stupid to me. Sad or touching songs and videos didn't really make me feel anything. I sometimes actively tried to feel the emotion they were supposed to give me, but even then I felt like I was sensing and acknowledging it rather than actually taking it into my heart.

 However, lately, I can't exactly remember when it started, but I've been actually laughing at funny videos, crying at sad songs, and even feeling emotions about myself or my behaviors (I can't really name each of them yet though). When I laughed at a funny video, my parents in a living room literally got startled, and they both said 'Was that our son laughing...?' because they hadn't heard me laughing in like forever.

 I've also realized that this is how I used to be like in my childhood. The range of my emotions got narrower over time, through many soul-breaking experiences, and I eventually lost an ability to even identifying any emotions within me except for the deep, dark depression and self-destructive despair. I'm happy that I remember how I used to be before shit things happened, and that I'm getting closer to how I really am.

 It's also given me some new challenges too, though. First of all, the wider range of emotions feel quite scary and uncomfortable to me. Most emotions just feel too alien to me that I don't know what to do with them or if they're a threat to me or not. I've been consciously trying to sense the emotions, but I often get an urge to ignore them and even to get depressed again to protect me from any potential danger the emotions might cause. It also made my PTSD symptoms worse... Well, no. I wouldn't say worse, but they're definitely more saturated then before. I've been having a PTSD nightmare foten, and even feeling like I'm literally back in traumatic episodes I've had in the past when I hear certain sounds or smell certain things. But what I don't understand is that they haven't really been destructive. Like, sure, the nightmares or the feelings aren't pleasing, but they haven't affected more than like an hour on each days. 

 My theory is that, through the mindfulness and stuff, I've had a significant improvement with my alexithymia, and as the thick layers of veils that were hiding my emotions and traumas, I've been sensing them way clearer and often. I really, really wish I could get help from a professional now, because I don't know what to do or how to handle the emotions at all. I'm worried that the change might turn harmful by accident or might just be undone over time. x_x